


On the Noose Around Your Neck

by pikestaff



Category: Dragon Age - All Media Types, Dragon Age II
Genre: Character Study, Justice definitely has a presence, Kind of angsty, Multi, aggressively loves anders, anyways i don't know if this is any good or not but i had to let it out, blatantly anders positive, but happy ending, but i had to change it so i didn't have to pick a gender, dialogue rewrite, fuck the chantry, i actually mostly like the final dialogue with him in game, nongendered hawke, super overly supportive hawke
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-29
Updated: 2016-11-29
Packaged: 2018-09-03 03:36:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,068
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8694847
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pikestaff/pseuds/pikestaff
Summary: A collection of moments during the plot of Dragon Age 2 where Anders starts to think that maybe, just maybe, someone actually cares about him.  There's some scene and dialogue rewriting because my feathermage deserves far more TLC than Bioware gives him, so this is how I feel it Should Have Been™.  This is dedicated to anyone who wants Anders to have a happy ending (INCLUDING MYSELF.)





	

**Author's Note:**

> I made Hawke a they/them so you can insert the gender (or lack thereof) of your choice.

The first time Anders started to think that maybe Hawke liked him, he shoved it out of his head with an _oh no. Oh, no no no._

His last relationship had ended in disaster, after all. That was just how things went if you were a mage. Mages didn't get happy relationships. Mages got quick trysts in the closet, maybe, a stolen kiss here and there. Letters slipped between books and passed from hand to hand during study periods. Anything more than that would almost certainly result in the templars finding out and in things getting very complicated in a generally very unpleasant way. And that was if you were lucky. If you were unlucky, well...

Anders shoved the thought out of his mind, roughly, as though he were clearing a table of its mess with one sweep of an arm. He had learned not to dredge up these particular memories, because Justice got angry about them, and wrestling with an angry spirit was not exactly how he wanted to spend most days.

The way Hawke looked at him, though. The way Hawke _flirted_ with him, though.

No. He wasn't going to let it happen. He liked Hawke too much. Hawke was a good person. Hawke didn't deserve to be dragged down with him into a relationship which would eventually crash and burn.

So he deflected the flirts with "You have been a good friend. Better than I deserve." Which was the truth. And then he buried himself in his work again, and tried not to think about the way Hawke smiled at him.

\---

The second time Anders realized that Hawke liked him a lot, he liked Hawke back. In fact, he had been liking Hawke back for a little while.

Hawke talked to him. Really talked to him. Hawke would ask him how his day had been and if he'd been having any problems with the templars. Hawke liked him and he had no idea why. To everyone else he was obnoxious, a chore to have to talk to or work with-- and who had been possessed by a spirit, no less.

He liked Hawke because Hawke liked him, but he also liked Hawke simply for being _Hawke._ For standing up for the oppressed. For their wit and intelligence and insufferably snarky banter. For being kind when they wanted to be and direct when they had to be. They were also incredibly cute, which was a bonus.

So Anders asked Hawke for help one day with a personal request. It was about mages and their safety. It was important to him. He had a hunch it would be important to Hawke too (and Maker's breath, he still couldn't quite grasp the fact that one of his friends actually cared about these things almost as much as he did). (And speaking of friends, he had those now). (He couldn't quite grasp that either).

And Hawke agreed. Which the logical part of Anders' brain had expected. But his instincts were shocked, as they were every time.

As it turned out, the day would go quickly downhill due to a... slight issue with Justice that occurred after stumbling upon some templars. He almost killed an innocent girl and he hated himself for it. And he hated that Hawke had to see it, Hawke, his dear friend, the one person who was nice to him oh sweet Maker of course Hawke had to see the monster he really was inside and he ran back to Darktown without stopping to explain why. _Hawke's going to check on me_ , he thought, as he desperately dug through his belongings for essentials in a sudden frantic plan to leave town and disappear entirely before they showed up. _I don't deserve to be checked on._

Hawke checked on him. Hawke calmed him down and told Anders it wasn't his fault. Anders didn't believe that for one second, but it was soothing to hear. Or perhaps it was just the tones of Hawke's voice that were soothing to hear. He wasn't quite sure. One thing he _was_ sure of, though, was that the fluttering in his chest that had been bothering him so insistently when Hawke was near was pretty much a permanent thing, now, whether Hawke was there or not. Presumably because Hawke was always on his mind.

\---

The third time was a whirlwind because he started to wonder if maybe Hawke actually _loved_ him.

Hawke was flirting again. Anders was deflecting it, again, but his will was cracking. Hawke saw right through him, saw that it was all a mask, because _of course_ if anyone knew him better than he knew himself, Hawke did. "I don't want you to hold back," Hawke said, and they way they looked at him then broke him completely, and he grabbed them and they kissed and for about five seconds all the colors were brighter and the world was perfect. But then the doubt set back in. So he gave Hawke one last warning. One final option for an out before they committed themselves to... whatever this was.

He was afraid Hawke wasn't going to take the escape route he'd given them. He was just as afraid that Hawke _was_ going to take it. He couldn't decide which one he was afraid of more.

But no, of course Hawke was persistent, and of course they were waiting for him and for one night, for one beautiful night the pressing question in his mind wasn't a matter of life and death but was a matter of _should I tell this person how desperately I love them._

He waffled on that for a little while. _Hawke deserves better_ , he kept telling himself. _Hawke deserves so, so much better._ But the feelings felt like they would burst from his chest, so, finally, he told them.

"I love you too," they said.

 _Did they mean that?_ "You'd tell the world, the Knight-Commander, that you love an apostate and would stand beside him?"

"I'd shout it from the rooftop and dare the templars to try to take you from me," said Hawke with a smirk that said they actually would do this and would probably enjoy every second of it. But behind that smirk there was _love_ in their eyes, and that was so terribly difficult for Anders to believe. But, maybe. Maybe he'd let himself believe it. He desperately wanted to believe it.

\---

The fourth time was a few years later and it caught him off guard.

As the weeks and months had gone on, Anders was finding it more and more difficult to keep himself together. Justice was insistent and nagging; _we need to act, we need to act._ And Anders agreed, but Justice wouldn't let him _be_ , and it had him on edge. He felt, sometimes, like he would fall apart entirely if Hawke wasn't there holding him up.

He and Justice had a plan. But no one could know it. Especially not Hawke, oh no, he wasn't going to bring Hawke into this. This would be all on his head, and his alone, and Hawke would be heartbroken, but at least Hawke wouldn't be _dead_.

Still, he needed their help one last time, even if they couldn't know what for.

He broached the topic at his clinic rather than at their shared home, because home was _special_ and Darktown was considerably less so. If he was going to lie, he couldn't bear to do it at home. Not the one place where he and Hawke could forget the outside world. No, he'd do it here, at the clinic. He was jittery and on edge as he asked his final favors. He had a dozen excuses ready and-- and he didn't need any of them because Hawke accepted his proposals without question. Anders blinked. How could they still trust him? He was a mess, he was forgetting who he had been before Justice had come into his life and half the time he couldn't remember if he'd had breakfast that morning.

But Hawke stepped closer and held him and said into his ear, "I know you're keeping something from me. And I don't know what it is. But I want you to know that I trust you, and I support you."

"Always?" Anders whispered back. His paranoia was telling him it wasn't true, it wasn't true, but...

"Always," said Hawke.

...it might be true. It might be true.

That was what gave him the strength to get through the next few days.

\---

The fifth time was all ashes and darkness and smoke and Anders was sitting on a crate waiting for it all to be over. Justice seemed calm, for a moment. That was good. At least his last few moments alive would be serene, and Justice could finally go back to the Fade, or wherever he was going to go.

Anders had a few canned statements ready to go. He'd rehearsed this scene in his head several times already. He didn't want to look at Hawke, though. Didn't want to see the heartbreak and anger he was sure was in their eyes. He didn't want that to be the last thing he saw. So no, he'd look anywhere but at Hawke. "There's nothing you can say to me that I haven't already told myself," he said, staring straight ahead at nothing. "So whatever you're going to do... just do it."

And there was a pause. And Hawke stepped forward. And Anders closed his eyes, but Hawke dropped to their knees and wrapped their arms around him and held him. Anders opened his eyes, confused, but Hawke wasn't looking at him. They were looking beyond, at Meredith, at Orsino, at the wretched city that was Kirkwall. "You did this to him," they said. They held him tighter, closer. "You did this to him, with your templars and your fear-mongering. This wasn't his doing. This was yours." Hawke lowered their head and their voice. "Help me fight the templars."

"You mean... stay with you? I... I thought you wouldn't let me." Anders was confused; this was not a scenario he had ever thought would play out.

"Do you remember what I told you? Three years ago? When you asked me if I'd stand before the world and support an apostate?"

Anders remembered. Hawke squeezed him. He was still disoriented, but Hawke had him, _Hawke had him_ , and Hawke loved... _maybe_ Hawke loved him, and that was all he needed to know right now. He could sort out the confusing bits later. _There would be a later._ "I'll fight the templars. Damned right I will."

\---

The sixth time was the one bright light left in Kirkwall. Everything was grim. The atmosphere was grim. The remaining mages of Kirkwall's circle, about to make one final stand, were grim. Anders was tense, and Justice was a spark of a pacing electric tiger in the back of his mind, ready to fight. Hawke was busy talking to the others and making last minute plans. Anders would look over every so often and then look away again. They still might die because of him. They still might--

Hawke approached. Anders' chest tightened. "I should have trusted you," he said. "Even with all we've shared, I didn't think..." He trailed off. Hawke took a step closer, but Anders was talking again. He had to be absolutely sure Hawke understood what this meant. "If we live through this... you know I'll be hunted. No one in Kirkwall will offer me mercy. But..." He paused, took a breath. "...if you would join me... I'd rather be on the run with you than safe with anyone else." He meant it more than he'd ever meant anything else in his life. And for one last time he was afraid, afraid that they'd finally realize the truth, that they'd had enough, that...

"Then we'll be fugitives together," said Hawke.

Anders let out the breath he hadn't realized he'd been holding, and it turned into a laugh halfway through. Hawke was holding him. He looked into their eyes. "Why me?" he asked.

"You," said Hawke, and they playfully tapped him on the chest a couple times with a finger, "You have a soul brighter than any sun. And don't you forget it."

Anders smiled. Only Hawke could make him smile at a time like this. And he looked into their eyes. And he knew.

**Author's Note:**

> feel free to prod me on tumblr - http://pikestaff.tumblr.com


End file.
